Ulysse Nardin Caprice Black Dial Stingray Strap Automatic Ladies Watch 133-91AC-06-02

Six billion euros! Roughly speaking, that comes to less than a third of Swiss watch exports, according to customs figures (which are not sell-out numbers, by a long shot). Six billion euros? That is what it will take to bail out Cypriot banks - which, as we know, have a lot of Russian money in their vaults. And that money is not always squeaky-clean either, we know that too. Cyprus' banks are going under, weighed down by their investments in Greek debt, risky real-estate loans, culpable munificence, and dirty laundry. Europe, the IMF, the "international community," the stock exchange, markets, and everyone else is getting involved and looking for a solution ("who pays for breakage?").

What if we helped them out? What if watchmakers followed the lead of Genevan bankers, who immediately rushed off to Cyprus looking for Russians with assets liable to fall victim to "The Great Appropriation" and in need of a safe new financial home? Many of these Russians are watch collectors and certainly must have sent the stashes under their king-sized mattresses in Moscow off to Cyprus for safekeeping! Logically, there must be lots of Breguets, Ulysse Nardins, Grisogonos - and I'm leaving out a lot, here - sleeping together in the same room in Cyprus' safe-deposit boxes, without a doubt.

What if we had a big sell-off?!
I can picture it now. Everyone wins! We let Christie's, Sotheby's or Antiquorum in on it and hold a huge event in Larnaca (while taking the opportunity to promote the handcraft trades - you never know, maybe Etruscan granulation will interest some former trader who is hesitating between a new career in ewe's-milk cheese or hunting wild snails - see our previous Chronicle article). You don't sell watches off cheap, maybe just cut the price a little.
Asians show up from Singapore in droves for this sale of the century. For once, journalists make an effort and pay for their own travel and drinks (we can dream, can't we?). The Russians are pleased. They lose a little on what they paid for their outward signs of wealth but save most of it in cold, hard cash. Patek Philippe boycotts the operation because "you don't sell off your heritage that way." But never mind that, most Swiss are in seventh heaven. The FH reluctantly coughs up a press release: "March 2013 saw a spectacular uptick in sales of mechanical wristwatches priced above 3,000 francs thanks to Cyprus, which in one month climbed from eighty-seventh to sixth place on the list of best monthly sales figures." Europa Star publishes an editorial titled "Cyprus and Watchmaking: Hope or Despair?" Business Montres makes some troubling comments about a "'swivel chair' operation that almost turned the wrong way." Watch Around works up a feature on the idea of time in the days of the pre-Socratic Cypriot philosophers. Revolution asks a famous Miami photographer to come to Cyprus' deserted beaches to shoot a suggestive spread called "Time Laid Bare." La Tribune des Arts runs an exclusive interview of Jean-Claude Biver, who arrives with his cows, promising the island "a Big Bang that will reunite Turks and Greeks in a Tutti Frutti fusion." As for Worldtempus, the site recounts the operation's success in simple terms but exhaustive detail.
It is nonetheless true that the needed amount of six billion has not been raised. But never mind. Switzerland emerges a clear winner. Its relief effort has made a big impression - Swatch has sent 200 watches for distribution to the needy and Mondaine has offered its services to make sure that all the clocks on the island will stop for a moment at the top of the hour - to give everyone a little breathing room. The Swiss Federal Council has issued an order recommending that use of the term "Swiss Made" (60%) henceforth be entrusted to the ICRC (red cross on a white background). Even the IMF gets involved. Christine Lagarde (very timeless, she wears a Reverso gifted by DSK) has invited Swiss Finance Minister Eveline Widmer-Schlumpf to come and give a lecture in Washington on "the Swiss model of long time." A brilliant lesson that unfortunately has to be cut short, because while Cyprus has now been more or less saved, China seems to be flagging in its turn.
But that is a whole different story.